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mini2z

    Feeling Lost

     

    I’m okay, I’ve been feeling completely lost …

    I’ve been feeling completely lost. I’ve been playing it’s not anything, just my sugar, just my blood pressure but something is wrong. Today I go and get a heart monitor that I have to wear for the next two weeks.  I go after a week to have it read and schedule more tests.  My daughter seems to think that I have an arrhythmia of some sort and I will need a pacemaker, that’s the nurse in her speaking I’m guessing.  She’s the type of matter of fact speaking her mind person.  You see, she’s been with me for a few of my most recent fainting, shaking episodes. Two of those episodes were in a few short hour time span.  I get dizzy, sound is very distorted or I can’t hear at all, my vision goes blurry, I get a tingling in my arms and hands, I can’t stand, I’m tired and after I’m tired and my head hurts.  This scares the crap out of me  My blood sugar levels have been within normal ranges and my blood pressure levels have been within normal ranges so testing my heart it is.

     

    I’ve retreated so far into me that I feel lost

     

    If you just stumbled onto my ramblings, then welcome.  I’m a Chronic Illness warrior fighting Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Migraines, Chronic Pain, Diabetes and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and to top it off, I am battling with depression and anxiety. I haven’t written a blog in a few weeks because of that depression and the feeling lost.  Writing has always been my escape but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to write.  Seems like I get two steps ahead and then four steps back with no end in sight.  The goals have been to get me stable and see how things go.  Well, it’s been over two years since I’ve been off of work and I miss working.  I know I can’t work the way I am with any of my issues, hell I can’t even read and remember what it was I was reading.  My anxiety is lower but I haven’t driven much in the past two years and currently, I’m terrified that something will happen to me if I drive.  I’m alone a lot of the time and I like people, I like talking to people and I miss that interaction.  I’ve retreated so far into me that I feel lost even after two years of treatment.

    I hate needles ... I needed to try Click To Tweet

    I’m working on a blog about the Therapeutic Nerve Therapy that I’ve been getting at the Pain Care Clinic but I’ll share a brief description.  I started out ten weeks ago but I’m on week eight of getting shots.  The shots started out in my spine and in the lower back and they’re directly in the nerves.  Oh, I hate needles but if it was going to give me relief (it has some) then I needed to try.  The doctor running the trial is amazing.  I like him and he’s informative about all the side effects, adjusts the sites as needed and increased the sites as well.  He’s also given me some extra cortisone shots into my SI joint.  More on this form of torture and relief to come soon!

    I’m okay and not in a bad place in my head even with all that I’m dealing with.  I’m still mourning the loss of who I was while finding the new me.

    I hope you’ll come back and check out future blogs. I’ve received and will be receiving some products to try and even the pupalups will be getting some products to try as well, so I hope you’ll check those out too.

     

    Journey with me … mini2z

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    Depression and My Major Mood Swings

    Depression and My Major Mood Swings


    My depression has been worse than it’s been lately.  The least little thing sets me off, being alone most days all day gets me thinking too much and then when someone comes home I don’t want to talk to them.  More so if the question is. “what did you do today or what’s for dinner?”  Seriously, how are you?  How’s your pain and nausea levels?  Do you even want to eat?  A point of reference, I don’t eat much anymore and it has to be very bland and only a few things that I can eat.  As my depression ebbs and flows, I don’t feel that I can write.  I feel even more lost in my thoughts.  It doesn’t help that simple tasks have me finding that I’m having more and more memory issues.

    For the past few weeks, I’ve had a day here and there that the depression was worse or something made it worse and what was a good mood turned into me being a bitch.  I’ve lashed out at my best friend, who I miss with a vengeance and fear we will never be close again.  I’ve lashed out at my kids together and separately and said some mean things. Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids.

    Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids. Click To Tweet

    I’m home alone with the pupalups most days.  My family has school or work and leave the house at all different hours of the day.  I get not wanting to talk to me first thing before they go to school or work as I’m not a morning person either.  I’ve made an effort to be in the living room and that’s part in parcel with my back issues and sleeping on the couch.  I’m in the family nerve centre and only my husband talks to me and sometimes it’s that dinner question.  Some days, getting a shower is iffy because if I’m too dizzy I don’t want to try when home alone.  I’ve had too many falls lately.

    I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me.  Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.

    I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me.  Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.  I also want help.  I had to let the housekeeper go do to financial reasons and I can only do so much.  The company that is paying my long-term disability didn’t take enough or very little income tax off and it was a whopper of a bill that was due immediately. That bill had sent me into a deeper depression than I have been.  My one doctor keeps changing my appointments and he’s the doctor I really need to see.

    Pain and depression are closely related. Depression can cause pain — and pain can cause depression. Sometimes pain and depression create a vicious cycle in which pain worsens symptoms of depression, and then the resulting depression worsens feelings of pain.  Source:  MayoClinic.org

    I’m apologising to my friend, my kidlets, my husband and even my mother.  I’m sorry my depression has had me in a billion different moods.  I have no excuse for the way I’ve treated any of you.

    I am asking that if I ask you to do something in the house, please do it.  If I have to ask five or more times, then I’m going to lose it and yell.  No one likes me yelling but I shouldn’t have to ask six or more times to take out the garbage, cut the grass, bring a load of laundry up, clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher.  We all need to pitch in because I can’t do it all anymore.

    I’m in pain and you all know that but pain makes depression worse, worsening depression makes pain worse.  It’s an endless cycle.

    I'm deeply sorry to my family that I've hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them. Click To Tweet

    I’m deeply sorry to my family that I’ve hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them.

    I can only try to do better.

    Journey with me … mini2z

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    Update on my But I Am Sick page …

    I currently have three autoimmune diseases and they are also invisible illnesses.

    I currently have three autoimmune diseases ... Click To Tweet

    Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis

    In 1994 when I was pregnant with my son I received my first autoimmune diagnosis for Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  I saw an endocrinologist when I was pregnant and then he dismissed me after.  I’ve only been under my family doctor’s care for most of the time.

    Type 1.5 Diabetes or Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults or LADA

    In April of 2012, I received a diagnosis of Latent Autoimmune Diabetes in Adults or LADA as a short form.  I was first diagnosed as a type 2 but when I saw my new endo I was then told I was a LADA or a type 1.5 or a progressing type one. I had never heard of it but it’s the adult version of diabetes it just takes everyone a different amount of time for the body to kill the pancreas. I am currently on three different pills to control diabetes and have been begging for insulin for about a year now.

    Lupus

    In November of 2014, I was finally diagnosed with Lupus SLE.  It had been three years of feeling like I have the flu. No one test or person is the same with Lupus and mine seems to not like my liver. I get only a faint butterfly rash on my face and it comes and goes.  I’ve had times where I’ve slept for two days straight and taking a shower means I have to nap afterwards sometimes. I’ve been delayed being put on Plaquenil because of the liver issue that isn’t an issue.

    Fibromyalgia

    This is my Rheumatologist’s catch-all for my other symptoms.

    Chronic Pain

    I have chronic pain in my whole body.  I have it really bad in my joints from lupus and fibromyalgia.  I’m currently undergoing some nerve therapy shots to my back, hips and SI joints.

    Chronic Migraines

    My migraines have plagued me since I was in my early 20’s.  I got my first one about a month after a bump to the back of my head.  To this day my migraines still occur in that spot.  I’ve written a blog about the story of my migraines.  My current treatment is receiving Botox.  You can view that here.

    But I am sick, a diary of my invisible illnesses …

     

    Journey with me … mini2z

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