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Diabetes

    Feeling Lost

     

    I’m okay, I’ve been feeling completely lost …

    I’ve been feeling completely lost. I’ve been playing it’s not anything, just my sugar, just my blood pressure but something is wrong. Today I go and get a heart monitor that I have to wear for the next two weeks.  I go after a week to have it read and schedule more tests.  My daughter seems to think that I have an arrhythmia of some sort and I will need a pacemaker, that’s the nurse in her speaking I’m guessing.  She’s the type of matter of fact speaking her mind person.  You see, she’s been with me for a few of my most recent fainting, shaking episodes. Two of those episodes were in a few short hour time span.  I get dizzy, sound is very distorted or I can’t hear at all, my vision goes blurry, I get a tingling in my arms and hands, I can’t stand, I’m tired and after I’m tired and my head hurts.  This scares the crap out of me  My blood sugar levels have been within normal ranges and my blood pressure levels have been within normal ranges so testing my heart it is.

     

    I’ve retreated so far into me that I feel lost

     

    If you just stumbled onto my ramblings, then welcome.  I’m a Chronic Illness warrior fighting Lupus, Fibromyalgia, Chronic Migraines, Chronic Pain, Diabetes and Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and to top it off, I am battling with depression and anxiety. I haven’t written a blog in a few weeks because of that depression and the feeling lost.  Writing has always been my escape but I couldn’t seem to bring myself to write.  Seems like I get two steps ahead and then four steps back with no end in sight.  The goals have been to get me stable and see how things go.  Well, it’s been over two years since I’ve been off of work and I miss working.  I know I can’t work the way I am with any of my issues, hell I can’t even read and remember what it was I was reading.  My anxiety is lower but I haven’t driven much in the past two years and currently, I’m terrified that something will happen to me if I drive.  I’m alone a lot of the time and I like people, I like talking to people and I miss that interaction.  I’ve retreated so far into me that I feel lost even after two years of treatment.

    I hate needles ... I needed to try Click To Tweet

    I’m working on a blog about the Therapeutic Nerve Therapy that I’ve been getting at the Pain Care Clinic but I’ll share a brief description.  I started out ten weeks ago but I’m on week eight of getting shots.  The shots started out in my spine and in the lower back and they’re directly in the nerves.  Oh, I hate needles but if it was going to give me relief (it has some) then I needed to try.  The doctor running the trial is amazing.  I like him and he’s informative about all the side effects, adjusts the sites as needed and increased the sites as well.  He’s also given me some extra cortisone shots into my SI joint.  More on this form of torture and relief to come soon!

    I’m okay and not in a bad place in my head even with all that I’m dealing with.  I’m still mourning the loss of who I was while finding the new me.

    I hope you’ll come back and check out future blogs. I’ve received and will be receiving some products to try and even the pupalups will be getting some products to try as well, so I hope you’ll check those out too.

     

    Journey with me … mini2z

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    Depression and My Major Mood Swings

    Depression and My Major Mood Swings


    My depression has been worse than it’s been lately.  The least little thing sets me off, being alone most days all day gets me thinking too much and then when someone comes home I don’t want to talk to them.  More so if the question is. “what did you do today or what’s for dinner?”  Seriously, how are you?  How’s your pain and nausea levels?  Do you even want to eat?  A point of reference, I don’t eat much anymore and it has to be very bland and only a few things that I can eat.  As my depression ebbs and flows, I don’t feel that I can write.  I feel even more lost in my thoughts.  It doesn’t help that simple tasks have me finding that I’m having more and more memory issues.

    For the past few weeks, I’ve had a day here and there that the depression was worse or something made it worse and what was a good mood turned into me being a bitch.  I’ve lashed out at my best friend, who I miss with a vengeance and fear we will never be close again.  I’ve lashed out at my kids together and separately and said some mean things. Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids.

    Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids. Click To Tweet

    I’m home alone with the pupalups most days.  My family has school or work and leave the house at all different hours of the day.  I get not wanting to talk to me first thing before they go to school or work as I’m not a morning person either.  I’ve made an effort to be in the living room and that’s part in parcel with my back issues and sleeping on the couch.  I’m in the family nerve centre and only my husband talks to me and sometimes it’s that dinner question.  Some days, getting a shower is iffy because if I’m too dizzy I don’t want to try when home alone.  I’ve had too many falls lately.

    I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me.  Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.

    I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me.  Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.  I also want help.  I had to let the housekeeper go do to financial reasons and I can only do so much.  The company that is paying my long-term disability didn’t take enough or very little income tax off and it was a whopper of a bill that was due immediately. That bill had sent me into a deeper depression than I have been.  My one doctor keeps changing my appointments and he’s the doctor I really need to see.

    Pain and depression are closely related. Depression can cause pain — and pain can cause depression. Sometimes pain and depression create a vicious cycle in which pain worsens symptoms of depression, and then the resulting depression worsens feelings of pain.  Source:  MayoClinic.org

    I’m apologising to my friend, my kidlets, my husband and even my mother.  I’m sorry my depression has had me in a billion different moods.  I have no excuse for the way I’ve treated any of you.

    I am asking that if I ask you to do something in the house, please do it.  If I have to ask five or more times, then I’m going to lose it and yell.  No one likes me yelling but I shouldn’t have to ask six or more times to take out the garbage, cut the grass, bring a load of laundry up, clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher.  We all need to pitch in because I can’t do it all anymore.

    I’m in pain and you all know that but pain makes depression worse, worsening depression makes pain worse.  It’s an endless cycle.

    I'm deeply sorry to my family that I've hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and… Click To Tweet

    I’m deeply sorry to my family that I’ve hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them.

    I can only try to do better.

    Journey with me … mini2z

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    Saying Goodbye to 2016 and Welcoming What Lays Ahead

    Goodbye to 2016 and Welcome to the New Year

    happy new year Curacao swim with a wild turtle

    It’s a new year but I’m far from being well.  I will look back and see some positives that 2016 brought me.

    A new Rheumatologist who is great.  She treats me like a human being and not someone just to see how does my new office look or why are you here.  That still makes me shake my head.  I’ve learned to space my appointments out as if I have more than one a day and more than three a week it gets to be way too much for me and my drivers.  I finally got a long awaited referral to a neurologist just days before Christmas.  I had a call early on the Monday morning and thought it was for another appointment on the same day, nope it was an appointment that I had NO clue about.  I arrived early and thankfully as the paperwork was more extensive than ever.  I was in with the neurologist for almost an hour.  He did say that the botox would help but because of my insurance rules I had to try one more medication for two months first.  So I’m on that medication until March with a return visit booked.  I’ve also been put into the waiting game list for an MRI of my head.  The Dr. did say that I’d need the botox in several spots including the spot where all my migraines start, stay, basically live, also in my neck and in my jaw on the left side.  The jaw part was surprising.  I have some jaw cracking and I know I grind my teeth but getting shots there surprised me.

     

    The excellent news is the head MRI is very early March at 7pm but that is so quick for an MRI where I… Click To Tweet

    Some good things in 2016 were my daughter getting into the Bachelor’s of Science, Nursing which is her dream job. Getting the okay and you must get away from the doctors.  Getting five (I think I’m at five?) doctors to agree that a trip would help with relaxation and my severe anxiety. Then getting the okay to spend a couple weeks camping after a couple months of both the hubby and me homebound for over two months, me with my illnesses and him with his broken leg repairs.  The couple weeks in Sauble was almost perfect.

    My mom moved out of our house and in with her 92 years young mother.  It was time and gram is happy to have her there with her.

    I’m still sick and take it day by day and hubby’s leg still isn’t right.  We worry that he’ll be needing to get the plate and screws out as we think it’s an allergy to the metal.

    We need to get our children who live in the house to do more around the house.  Hubby is working, I’m not able to do much with having more bad days than good so they need to step up.  Yes, school and work come first BUT family and their home comes before friends and fun and way too much sleeping.

    My Favourite Photos of 2016

    I don’t make “resolutions” as I will always break them.  I will list some things I’m going to work on doing better, though:

    • budgeting – meal planning, cut back on spending (subscription boxes)
    • blog on a sort of set schedule for me – sponsored blogs yeah they get done but personal ones go on the back burner
    • walking and yoga – again it’s not something that I can schedule but I’d like to have someone walk with me with the pupalups and get to yoga once a week
    • keep getting better rest and sleep – it has improved but the painsomnia can’t be helped
    • not feel guilty for what I can’t do – that’s a hard one but working on it every day
    • try to get my nails in order, take medications on time (more on that in a couple months)
    • get to the dentist to get the work done that needs doing

    I hope you’ll continue to be with me on my journey with lupus SLE, migraines, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, diabetes type 1.5, painsomnia, depression, anxiety, gastritis and whatever else gets thrown my way.  

    I’m going to #alwayskeepfighting because #mystoryisntoveryet ; Click To Tweet

    So keep fighting with me because we have so many stories to tell!

    Journey with me … mini2z

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