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Depression and My Major Mood Swings
My depression has been worse than it’s been lately. The least little thing sets me off, being alone most days all day gets me thinking too much and then when someone comes home I don’t want to talk to them. More so if the question is. “what did you do today or what’s for dinner?” Seriously, how are you? How’s your pain and nausea levels? Do you even want to eat? A point of reference, I don’t eat much anymore and it has to be very bland and only a few things that I can eat. As my depression ebbs and flows, I don’t feel that I can write. I feel even more lost in my thoughts. It doesn’t help that simple tasks have me finding that I’m having more and more memory issues.
For the past few weeks, I’ve had a day here and there that the depression was worse or something made it worse and what was a good mood turned into me being a bitch. I’ve lashed out at my best friend, who I miss with a vengeance and fear we will never be close again. I’ve lashed out at my kids together and separately and said some mean things. Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids.Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids. Click To Tweet
I’m home alone with the pupalups most days. My family has school or work and leave the house at all different hours of the day. I get not wanting to talk to me first thing before they go to school or work as I’m not a morning person either. I’ve made an effort to be in the living room and that’s part in parcel with my back issues and sleeping on the couch. I’m in the family nerve centre and only my husband talks to me and sometimes it’s that dinner question. Some days, getting a shower is iffy because if I’m too dizzy I don’t want to try when home alone. I’ve had too many falls lately.
I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me. Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.
I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me. Tell me about your day, gripe about your day. I also want help. I had to let the housekeeper go do to financial reasons and I can only do so much. The company that is paying my long-term disability didn’t take enough or very little income tax off and it was a whopper of a bill that was due immediately. That bill had sent me into a deeper depression than I have been. My one doctor keeps changing my appointments and he’s the doctor I really need to see.
Pain and depression are closely related. Depression can cause pain — and pain can cause depression. Sometimes pain and depression create a vicious cycle in which pain worsens symptoms of depression, and then the resulting depression worsens feelings of pain. Source: MayoClinic.org
I’m apologising to my friend, my kidlets, my husband and even my mother. I’m sorry my depression has had me in a billion different moods. I have no excuse for the way I’ve treated any of you.
I am asking that if I ask you to do something in the house, please do it. If I have to ask five or more times, then I’m going to lose it and yell. No one likes me yelling but I shouldn’t have to ask six or more times to take out the garbage, cut the grass, bring a load of laundry up, clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher. We all need to pitch in because I can’t do it all anymore.
I’m in pain and you all know that but pain makes depression worse, worsening depression makes pain worse. It’s an endless cycle.I'm deeply sorry to my family that I've hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them. Click To Tweet
I’m deeply sorry to my family that I’ve hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them.
I can only try to do better.
Journey with me … mini2z