Looking out

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I wrote this just over a year ago as a writing assignment.  My true loneliness of my isolation is raw.

I hope you enjoy reading and looking in my window for a little bit.

Kristin

mini2z … journey with me

 

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I’ve spent a lot of time looking out windows in the past few years but more so this year.  I think of the isolation I feel looking out into the world.  I think of the fear of going out because on the outside I look fine but inside I hurt, I’m beyond tired and yet I try to put a smile on my face. I think of the loneliness that I feel even though I have four amazing family members living in the house with me and two pupalups that are always close by.  I feel trapped inside and robbed of living a true life and will be stuck behind the window.

Yet, I open the blinds and let the light in every morning.  If It’s a day I’m stuck in bed I have a fake window to look at and it’s pretty cool to picture myself in a hammock in the shade listening to the waves roll up on the beach.

This window makes me think of yesterday’s uncertainty and how I try to enjoy the simple things like a cup of tea, my kidlets coming and talking to me, a pupalup dropping a toy in my lap and the light that comes in from the window I’m looking out.

I’m grateful for those little things and even more so on a day when I find myself in bed exhausted after a nights sleep, in pain in every joint of my body, a headache and nausea that just never leaves me, I’m grateful for the sun that is coming in the window I’m looking out.

Day 4 writing assignment in writing 101

Journey with me … mini2z

 

©mini2z

©mini2z

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Posted in anxiety, Autoimmune, autoimmune illness, Chronic Illness Bloggers, depression, journey with me ... mini2z
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    • The pupalups are Keely & Ranger
      I’ve been home on sick leave due to all the illnesses. I’m working on the anxiety of leaving the house because I don’t “look” sick my employer thinks I’m “faking” my illnesses

      Reply

    • She Isolates herself for the same reason I do.
      It was never intentional.
      In my case, It was a way to get through the days of not feeling good. When I was just too tired to go to the park and try to work and then have to explain, shortly after I got there why I had to leave and go home.
      When I didn’t look sick. When I looked like I usually did.Inside though, I could hardly move. It was an effort to just get up , get dressed and head to the park because I had promised to be there.
      Then I just started staying home more and more. Not even trying because it would have been the same thing over again.
      How can you rely on anyone when they don’t follow through on what they said they would?
      You can’t.

      Reply

      • So true Sarah! My Occupational Therapist is making my appointment at my yoga place because I haven’t been able to go since I’ve been sick. I have a hard time being anywhere outside alone, even in my own yard. She wants me to walk and the thought just makes me want to throw up. I’m a people person and love planning things. Example, my children did Irish dance for year, I was the secretary of the parents group and planned the annual recital and then became president and had to keep planning the recital. So I planned events for 400 people and talked in front of them all and I find it hard to leave the house alone now. This is what “invisible illness”, depression, anxiety of but you don’t look sick is.

        Reply

        • I was active til 2 years ago. At the park, here, at 2 different churches, a community garden at the park and All sort of other volunteering projects all over. Now I can barely make it to the rabbit cage outside. And I panic doing that. But a week ago, I could walk that far.
          Today was hard. Sitting here watching everyone leave for the tour of Rolling Meadows.
          Danny was even going to take me in the Polaris but I couldn’t stop throwing up. So I sat here AND CRIED AND CRIED.
          It is terrible.
          Chemo Is Kicking my butt.

          Reply

      • Yes, you are right Sarah. There is pain and suffering. Still, positivity is there and hope too. We should not lose it. May God give peace to all of us.

        Love and light 🙂 <3

        Anand

        Reply

  • Your story is deeply moving — heart-breaking, actually.
    Hope it’s fiction.
    (Love the terms “pupalup!” and “kidlet.” It’s funny because I call my dog, “Pupalump!” I, too, have called my child “kidlet,” but when she was younger, around five and six.)
    Keep writing — I loved your story.

    Reply

  • Guess who chose the same photo? You also know why.
    I guess I don’t have to ask how you are doing today? I was praying one of us was feeling good.
    I came here to get caught up with you and your blog.
    Love and hugs.
    I can give you a spoon. I have one left and I am NOT doing anything else tonight.

    Reply

    • Thank you for visiting me at mini2z ... Journey with me and I hope to see you often xx

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