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Depression and My Major Mood Swings

My depression has been worse than it’s been lately. The least little thing sets me off, being alone most days all day gets me thinking too much and then when someone comes home I don’t want to talk to them. More so if the question is. “what did you do today or what’s for dinner?” Seriously, how are you? How’s your pain and nausea levels? Do you even want to eat? A point of reference, I don’t eat much anymore and it has to be very bland and only a few things that I can eat. As my depression ebbs and flows, I don’t feel that I can write. I feel even more lost in my thoughts. It doesn’t help that simple tasks have me finding that I’m having more and more memory issues.

For the past few weeks, I’ve had a day here and there that the depression was worse or something made it worse and what was a good mood turned into me being a bitch. I’ve lashed out at my best friend, who I miss with a vengeance and fear we will never be close again. I’ve lashed out at my kids together and separately and said some mean things. Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids.

Last night I lashed out at hubby and the kids. Click To Tweet

I’m home alone with the pupalups most days. My family has school or work and leave the house at all different hours of the day. I get not wanting to talk to me first thing before they go to school or work as I’m not a morning person either. I’ve made an effort to be in the living room and that’s part in parcel with my back issues and sleeping on the couch. I’m in the family nerve centre and only my husband talks to me and sometimes it’s that dinner question. Some days, getting a shower is iffy because if I’m too dizzy I don’t want to try when home alone. I’ve had too many falls lately.

I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me. Tell me about your day, gripe about your day.

I just want my kids to spend a few minutes talking to me. Tell me about your day, gripe about your day. I also want help. I had to let the housekeeper go do to financial reasons and I can only do so much. The company that is paying my long-term disability didn’t take enough or very little income tax off and it was a whopper of a bill that was due immediately. That bill had sent me into a deeper depression than I have been. My one doctor keeps changing my appointments and he’s the doctor I really need to see.

Pain and depression are closely related. Depression can cause pain — and pain can cause depression. Sometimes pain and depression create a vicious cycle in which pain worsens symptoms of depression, and then the resulting depression worsens feelings of pain. Source: MayoClinic.org

I’m apologising to my friend, my kidlets, my husband and even my mother. I’m sorry my depression has had me in a billion different moods. I have no excuse for the way I’ve treated any of you.

I am asking that if I ask you to do something in the house, please do it. If I have to ask five or more times, then I’m going to lose it and yell. No one likes me yelling but I shouldn’t have to ask six or more times to take out the garbage, cut the grass, bring a load of laundry up, clean your room, put your dishes in the dishwasher. We all need to pitch in because I can’t do it all anymore.

I’m in pain and you all know that but pain makes depression worse, worsening depression makes pain worse. It’s an endless cycle.

I'm deeply sorry to my family that I've hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them. Click To Tweet

I’m deeply sorry to my family that I’ve hurt and my best friend who is going through her own battles and I compounded them.

I can only try to do better.

Journey with me … mini2z

Where Oh Where I Have I Been?

I haven’t written a proper blog since December. I can only think that I haven’t felt like writing because of my depression. I have always loved Christmas and the holiday season but since I’ve been battling with all these illnesses is the reason that I haven’t found my new normal. I’m trying to find the balance but I don’t feel like I’m there yet. Christmas was an amazing time with my family. We spent Christmas Eve at my mother-in-law’s and Christmas my mom, gram and mother-in-law came to our house. I spent the next few days recovering because I should have napped both days but I pushed my body too much.

I finally saw a neurologist just before Christmas. He spent almost an hour doing the check up and prescribed a medication that I had to try before my insurance would pay for the botox. The botox will be in three spots on my head. I’ve also been referred for two MRI’s of my head, back and hips. The hope is that they can do both of the MRI’s together so I don’t have to go into the machine twice. I am claustrophobic so two tests won’t be fun for me. March 6th will mark the first and hopefully my only MRI but I know I can handle two being mildly sedated for them at the very least.

I posted this on my New Year’s Post but I don’t make “resolutions” as I will always break them. I will list some things I’m going to work on doing better, (working on) though:

budgeting – meal planning, cut back on spending (subscription boxes)
blog on a sort of set schedule for me – sponsored blogs yeah they get done but personal ones go on the back burner
walking and yoga – again it’s not something that I can schedule but I’d like to have someone walk with me with the pupalups and get to yoga once a week
keep getting better rest and sleep – it has improved but the painsomnia can’t be helped
not feel guilty for what I can’t do – that’s a hard one but working on it every day
try to get my nails in order, take medications on time (more on that in a couple months)
get to the dentist to get the work the work that needs to be done.

Today is Family Day in my province of Ontario, Canada. It’s a relatively new holiday created so there was a day off between Christmas and Easter. It’s February 20th and it’s already 48 degrees out. My dogs aren’t complaining about wanting back in after two seconds outside. We had record high temperatures on Saturday.

On Saturday, I finally received the call from the pain clinic. I have my two appointments. The first is approximately 1.5 hours with twelve pages of documents to fill out. The second appointment is about two hours. She asked if the dates would work and I said, no matter what I’d work it out because I’ve been waiting for these for almost a year.

I hope you’ll grab a cuppa tea and continue on this journey with me.

mini2z

Where will you go?

What is your dream travel place?

Where does your heart long to go?

Once you’ve travelled to one place that you’ve fallen in love with you want to go more and more. For our family that is Sauble Beach, Ontario, Canada.

In Sauble, we just find it so relaxing with no schedules other than the pupalups telling us when it’s food time. Over the years of camping in Sauble Beach our trailers have grown up with us. We started camping with what we lovingly refer to as the “Flintstone’ trailer. It was a Citationette, not even big enough to to be a full citation. Those first few years of camping, the older kidlets were in a 2-room tent and the baby was in a playpen. Next we upgraded to a HUGE “bunk room” trailer that would sleep 9 if we needed it. If I think back eighteen years I think we had the big trailer our first year in Sauble Beach. The kidlets were 12, 9, 3 and 9 months. We camped with our friends for several years and the six kids all played together through the years. Our oldest hated camping and still hates it but the other three love camping with our oldest boy has his own pop up and our two youngest are going tent camping with friends this year. Our oldest’s last trip was with us to Disney in 2002 but with six people and Florida’s 4 people maximum we would never had been able to afford Disney otherwise. We stayed there for a week and the Fort Wilderness campground was one of the best we have ever been too. We have to say though that we feel we belong in Sauble. I think after 18 years of going to the same place you start to feel like a summer local.

We upgraded to a brand new but two year old trailer once the older two weren’t going all the time with us. We had built in bunk beds and a futon type couch that was the only slide out. That worked well until the two youngest outgrew the bunks. Then we got a larger trailer and the kidlets had their own “bunk room” and I loved it because I could close the door to their mess. Then my hubby got his Harley and I saw that our trailer dealer had the perfect trailer for us. We got it just before we had our annual trip to Sauble Beach. We went and exchanged our “not so old” trailer for the new “older model” trailer that we still have. Our first trip was with my daughter and our wonderful exchange student from Thailand. Then our boys came up with my awesome niece and my future daughter in law. It was a great adventure. We had to do all the tourist stuff for Sandy because well she was new to the camping thing and really it’s more like glamping now for us. The trailer has our own bathroom and the back room has a half bath. We tell the kids that showers are down at the public showers.

I’ve been to Cuba, Grand Cayman, Cozumel, Jamaica twice, London, Paris, Lido de Jeselo, Venice, Verona, Assisi, Florence, Rome, Vatican City, Curacao and all over the United States with more to explore but my Happy Place is in my hammock with a book, glass of wine in Sauble Beach, Ontario.

Where is your Hapy Place? Mine is a hammock, in Sauble Beach.

Journey with me … mini2z

Tag: family

Depression and My Major Mood Swings

Depression and My Major Mood Swings

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Where Oh Where I Have I Been?

Where Oh Where I Have I Been?

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Where will you go?

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